I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
