can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
