I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
