I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We have so much sex to catch up on
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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