Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
