Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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