I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
