Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
