Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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