I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you mean i was at the winter classic?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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