and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
