remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
