my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
