So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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