I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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