Just fell off a train. Bad.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Pants are for mortals
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
