I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Dignity is for republicans.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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