I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
