4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
