guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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