she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
