Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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