i permit you to call me
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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