My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
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