I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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