I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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