I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
