I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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