I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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