My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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