did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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