Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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