11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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