On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I CAN MOONWALK!
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
