My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
