Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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