He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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