He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
