My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
