Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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