He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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