No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
