and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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