just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
