Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
