I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
