so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
