If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
