My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
