what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
