there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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